Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.