Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

What in the hipster hell is going on here

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

Ladies, why y’all do this?

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.