[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.