Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

😅🤣😂

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Can Happiness buy money?

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

The days of good grammer has went

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.