Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”