[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
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Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s