@KeetPotato

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

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@TweetPotato314

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

@lmegordon

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

@agathagotstoned

If you walk into a room that’s empty except for a clown doll sitting in a chair at a tiny table, you’re probably about to be murdered.

@dmc1138

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

@signalborder

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

@kadyngriffiths

Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I’ve killed.

Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.

@Rollinintheseat

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

@coketruck76

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?