@KeetPotato

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

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@KKAlThani

I bet when Cheetahs race & one of them cheats, the other one goes like “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” & they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

@Home_Halfway

*Hands waiter menu back at a fancy restaurant* I don’t know what any of this is and I’m scared

@Contwixt

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

@JohnLyonTweets

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

@NakedHangover

If it’s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?

@dril

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

@mishakey

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

@Jacksawyerr

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.