I bet when Cheetahs race & one of them cheats, the other one goes like “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” & they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
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*Hands waiter menu back at a fancy restaurant* I don’t know what any of this is and I’m scared
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
If it’s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.