touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
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Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
so much to do
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough