Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

be safe out there!

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.