[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
You Might Also Like
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
💀😭
