Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

SPLOOT

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac