[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.