Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?