[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
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The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
You had me at “define legal”.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?