me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.