Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

I can also cook 😂

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*