[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
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“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
This kid is a star!
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO