tourist season
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Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
the noise i just made
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.