tourist season
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how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
gender is a sprctrum
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.