Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.