*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
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I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.