*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
found a horse’s reddit account
