[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
they split up moments later
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
