[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
