Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

Life hack

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered