Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.