Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
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[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
But wait…
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Just why bro?!
