Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee is ready.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

Growing up was a huge mistake

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.