Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.