Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Lube but for my dry humor.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
is this a warning or an offer?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!