Toxic snake
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So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery