Toxic snake
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Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.