Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that