Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

What personal space?

My dog

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

What do cheeky people drink out of?

A smug.

LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.

JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.