Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

SPLOOT