Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
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*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Not today. 😅
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.