Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
![]()
You Might Also Like
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
![]()
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.