Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate