Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Matthew was born for this.
Good advice.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.