Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
How tf did it end up there?
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.