Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.