Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
You Might Also Like
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.