Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast