Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Truth
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
When I said I liked it rough.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I’m not sorry.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?