Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time