Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Goodnight 🐶

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.