Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot