Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
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Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life