Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
You Might Also Like
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED