Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know