Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time