How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
You Might Also Like
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.