Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
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Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.