Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
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*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
