Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.