Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
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So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.