Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys![]()
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MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I have so many questions.
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
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Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
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