Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

Going into Monday like

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.