Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

Oh no

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

The struggle is real

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’