Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
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When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe