“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
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Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.