– traveling zombies

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If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks


Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”


[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?


Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”


*brings lunch to work*


My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.


i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it


My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.


Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”


“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.


mugger: [points gun] gimme ur cash

me: what are u 70 years old lol

mugger: wait-

me: let me reach into my trousers and grab my “paper money” lmao

mugger: [tearing up] please stop