“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
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HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I support this random dude and all his protests
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Nothing to do, you say?