“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
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I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
There is no “we” in pizza
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.