Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

That’s the last time I volunteer in Karate class.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“