My mother should be forced to pay for my therapy and my grandma should be forced to pay for my laser hair removal.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
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“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
teacher: ok, so how would you order a subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
me: by crawling to the counter lmao
teacher: again, please get out of my class, or your son gets an F
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)