Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

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I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.


You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.


Do white boys with dreadlocks know about Garnier Fructis?


People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”


My dog beat me to a jalapeno that I dropped on the floor, and the look of instant regret on his face will forever be seared into my brain.


Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house


If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.


Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.


(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*