@PleaseBeGneiss

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

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@Iwriteforcats

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

@sixfootcandy

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

@csmith5050

Do white boys with dreadlocks know about Garnier Fructis?

@3sunzzz

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

@lukelachance_

My dog beat me to a jalapeno that I dropped on the floor, and the look of instant regret on his face will forever be seared into my brain.

@stuzario

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

@MarkAgee

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

@trouteyes

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

@truegritrumble

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*