Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.