[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
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I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.