Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

Bruh 😂

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.