[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
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Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
how much for the angry fruit?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Investing in beetcoin
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐